Last breast milk!

My right breast got engorged since last nite and was so painful!  Hoo encourages me to stop BF and ask me to get more rest instead! So i did not pump out milk since this morning and when it reached 3pm, both my breasts engorged and the pain is killing me! My endurance of pain is zero I think! And I decided to go KKH to get it cure & take medicine to stop my breast milk!

The queue is long & need to wait 2-3 hours! After about 1 hr waiting, nurse manager Choo Hin Chan attended to me! She passed me cabbage to cover my breast & do the massage/express out all my milk! One hour and a total of  4 x 80ml bottles. She was very gentle and did not cause me any pain, unlike others told me! I was so grateful to her by relieving my pain! My turn to see doctor by then. Doc keeps advise me to continue breastfeed and told me all the benefits etc before she prescribe the med to me! She also said once med taken, there's no turning back if I decide to BF again! Hoo was so worried for me and he rushed down to look for me at KKH after mum home. 

I was thinking just collect the med and can decide later if i still want BF or stop! But once I reached home, I just pop the pill an thinking I will have more rest and not worry about going out for more than 3 hours without expressing milk!

The next morning about 4am, both my breasts engorged with hard lumps & pain again! I called up KKH and the lactation nurse told me I cant eat pill & stop just like that! I still need to go thru the hard way to pump out and stop my milk flow gradually! WTF! Why didnt the doc mentioned that to me earlier? So that I dun have to eat medicine to stop! The med is a hormone med which will cause some side effects like breast become 1 cup smaller etc.. And I really hope it doesn't cause any harm to my body or so! And also after taking the med, all the express milk from that day onward need to be throw! So wasted! If I nvr take a any med, and I slowly stop my milk by pumping out with extended hours, all the milk still can feed my baby! I was so sad & pissed.

Whenever I see my baby, I was so sad & regretted by stopping BF! I should have preserved till the end of my 4 months maternity or 3 months as planned so that I can have 1 full month to rest before go back to workforce! I never give my utmost best for my baby which I can do so! Since I have already work so hard for the last 2 months, what is another month or 2 then?? This time, I really cry over split milk! I am a lousy mother? If anything can help my milk flow back, I will try! I still thinking maybe miracle will happen to me and the med did not stop my milk! But then after few pumps, my milk flow really become lesser n lesser!

Lucky my mil & hubby are quite supportive and console me with positive remarks etc to not let me feel bad! I was thankful to them. At least it did make me feel better.

Sorry baby, I did not do my best & provide you with the most natural milk that benefits you the most! I wish I can turn back the clock yet that was not possible! So we have to move on like what Hoo said!